Chad, Johnson: This guy had a beautiful wife, great kids and a smokin’ football career. Then for some reason he changed his name to Ocho-Cinco, the number of his football jersey, and after that everything fell apart. His wife left him, he was cut from his football team and he was recently in court for late child support payments. I hear Ocho-Cinco is soon to be Arby's Gerant, in honour of his new position.
Disney: This mega company recently spent billions for the Star Wars franchise. They now officially own the rights to most of our childhood memories.
Elmo: One of the richest Muppeteers on Sesame Street has recently been charged with pedophilia. I can’t blame him; I'd probably become sexually confused too if I had a giant black man's hand up my ass for over a decade.
Feng, Jin: He divorced his wife for hiding her extensive plastic surgery and birthing an ugly baby. He also sued her for misrepresentation and won! So thus, in China, it’s legal to sue people for being ugly. That sounds like capitalism to me.
Google is like God, but with answers.
Hulk Hogan: The man defeated the Ultimate Warrior and body slammed Andre the Giant. Yet, he couldn't keep his wife from hooking up with a 19-year-old boy or stop his daughter from dropping the worst pop album in the history of crap music. Maybe he would have been happier as Hulk Hogan the guidance counselor.
India is like a Ghetto Inception. This country is one of few places you’ll find a slum within a slum within slum. Despite its substantial poverty, India is also so rich in culture, Europeans travelled far and wide because it was rumored to possess some spices. However, when they landed on the wrong continent(s) they nearly wiped out every native population for looking kind of Indian. Now that’s rich.
Jesus Christ: Not only was he the catalyst for one of the world's most popular religions, he's also inspired multiple blockbuster films and been the icon for expensive jewelry tailored and sold to gangsta rappers since the 90s. If Jesus comes back, he's going to be one rich Jew…or Christian. The dude’s got options!
King, Rodney: He was compensated millions by the LAPD for police brutality. Sadly, he recently drowned in a motel pool without a penny to his name. Looks like the police also knocked all sense out of the man.
Lance Armstrong: He wasRecently banned from professional cycling – after being stripped of all trophies and titles won during 14 years of competition – for using and distributing performance-enhancing drugs. This guy can’t even bike to the corner store to buy milk anymore. Lance should have heeded Biggie Smalls’ fourth crack commandment: never get high on your own supply.
Morsi, Mohammed: He recently gained super villain status for giving himself sweeping powers over all of Egypt. It didn’t work for Loki in the Avengers movie and that dude was from space!
Nicholson, Jack: He is rumored to have had over 5000 lovers. Some guys have a problem getting it up while this dude's can’t keep it down. Do they make a pill for that too? I f-ing hope not.
Olympics, The: Every four years, records are broken in in inspiring fashion. Which begs the question, is there any limit to the human potential? If he starts training with Lance, the only way to see Usain next time will be in slow motion replay.
Prince William: You’ve got to be a rich prince to get a girl that hot when you are that ugly. You know it’s true; the dude looks like Eeyore with slightly better teeth. Let’s hope his wife is pretty enough to wash out that classic British inbred look.
Quantum physics: The science that deals with phenomena on a microscopic level has revealed the nature of the universe being infinitely random, and more mysterious then we could ever imagine. The praise is tactical. If I’m ever going to teleport in and out of Fort Knox, this is the science that will make it happen.
Russia: It is one of the richest countries in natural resources estimated at over $70 trillion. Ironically, they also have some of the poorest people on the planet. Hey Mother Russia, maybe it’s time to let the people suckle off your oil rich teat. The Gross National Angriness is way up!
Snipes, Wesley: He made millions killing vampires in three consecutive films. The IRS, however, turned out to be a blood sucking, soulless demon even Blade couldn’t defeat and he’s now serving time for tax evasion. Watch out Blade! In jail, they won’t just stake you in the heart; they’ll put wood in your ass.
Twinkies: Because the company that makes Twinkies is now bankrupt, many youngsters will never know the joys of being disgustingly obese. It’s a sad day for fat kids everywhere.
Undertakers: Ok they aren't rich but they'll never be out of a job
Vatican: This institution is not just rich spiritually, being worth more money then most nations. When a pope dies, he’s placed in a gold plated, climate controlled coffin. When I die, I just hope they find the body.
Washington is one of the first states where marijuana has become legal. Nothing enriches a community like a bunch of blunt rolling, hacky sack kicking, hippies smoking herb in public parks. The increase of potato chips and Frisbee sales should jumpstart the American economy.
Xbox 360: Whenever I’m broke and unemployed, all I have to do is put on the Sims and I’ve got a job and family wanting for me. It may sound pathetic but you have no idea how hot my virtual wife is; she'll do things my real girl can’t even pronounce.
YouTube: 48 hours of video are downloaded to YouTube daily. Humans seem to possess an insatiable desire to showcase their talents, share knowledge and anonymously leave horribly racist comments.
Zurich: Known for secure banks and beautiful scenery, the Swiss metropolis is so money, the word rich is cemented in the name.
by Rodney Ramsey
